Without You
by roserage
Summary: DPOV Based upon my 'No Time to Heal' fanfic ; . My alternative ending to Frostbite. We saw how much Rose went through, but where was Dimitri? Read to find out ; Richelle Mead owns all characters except Patya Kozlov.
1. Stay With Me

**1**

**[Stay With Me]**

I turned on my heel, looking in every direction; suddenly, a noise caught my attention and without a thought, I ran in search for it. I couldn't tell what the noise was, but then I heard it again and I was suddenly standing in front of a room. I don't know why, but I just understood that I had to get inside. Before I knew, it I was standing in the room, broken pieces of wood around me without memory of breaking the door down. I didn't need to scan the room; I immediately targeted a dark form and slammed into it. Usually, I didn't act as impetuously but I was almost blinded by the hate and rage I felt welling up inside me. I remember questioning what person could elicit such a gut reaction.

We landed hard against the wall, ducking in and out of each others' hits. He slammed my body, bashing my head into the wall with a loud _BANG! _I jumped up and threw him clear across the room into the opposite wall loudly; _BANG!_ The noise was strange because of how loud it was; however, every blow radiated though my head.

I made a move that sent my opponent flying and I jumped on top of him to pin him into the floor, his face still covered in darkness.

"…Belikov!"

A strange echoing voice stirred from somewhere behind me and I turned.

Nothing. No one was there.

Regaining focus, I turned back to look into the face my adversary when the voice beckoned me again.

"Belikov!!"

I sat up suddenly in a haze and I looked around cautiously, but no one was there any longer. I blinked trying to clear my head. I wasn't in that strange room now, I was in my own room. Slowly I realized that it was just a dream; however, it had not been just any dream. This one was recurring. They always started the same, I would fight Strigoi and eventually I would fight one-on-one with someone. The strangest part was that I had an odd feeling that I knew who that '_someone_' was, but the dream always ended before I could catch a glimpse of the face. The only difference in that dream was the loud banging.

_Bang!Bang!Bang! _

"Guardian Belikov! Wake up!" The echoing voice from before was now piercing my ears through the heavy wooden door.

I jumped up and pulled a sweatshirt over my head, leaving the hood on, as I walked to the door. Luckily I had been wearing pants instead of just boxer briefs due to the chill left in the air from winter.

I opened the door and looked down; Guardian Hathaway stood about a foot in front of me. Despite her size she was one of the most highly respected guardians; whatever reason she had for waking me was presumably a good one.

"We've found them! Be ready in ten minutes, we are boarding the plane for Spokane," she said walking away quickly.

I stood there momentarily stunned by the orders I had just been given, but then I realized what it was that she was telling me.

They found them.

They had found_ her._

I knew I should have been angry with Rose when I realized that she had gone to Spokane, but anger was none of the emotions I was feeling.

I was boarding the academy jet with the other guardians before I realized it; I carried a small bag although I had not remembered packing anything. I sat stiffly in my seat, focusing on the engines as they roared to life.

Guardian Hathaway was sitting in the row in front of me, but just as we were gearing for take-off I heard her seatbelt click off and she moved to the empty seat next to mine. She quickly fastened her belt and exhaled. I had never seen Guardian Hathaway look as nervous as she did in that moment. She closed her eyes briefly and exhaled loudly again.

"I did not know that you hated to fly," I postulated. She turned her head and eyed me.

"I'm not worried about the flight Guardian Belikov," she answered somewhat despondently. I did not know Guardian Hathaway very well, but she was not one to let her emotions through.

"I'm sure Rose is fine," I said trying to assure her. In that same moment I realized that I was trying to reassure myself as well.

Guardian Hathaway looked up at me.

"Mr. Ivashkov informed us this morning that he was able to locate them in Spokane by the means of his spirit affinity. He said that he walked into Rosemarie's dream and she was as much of assistance as she could… given the circumstances," she sat back in her seat and faced the front of the plane again.

I did not like the fact that Rose was even talking to Adrian Ivashkov, let alone having him invade her dreams. I felt slightly angry as I thought of him being around her where I couldn't watch him. Jealous even?

"Given the circumstances?" I pushed.

"Mr. Ivashkov mentioned that Rosemarie did not look well," Guardian Hathaway attempted to clarify.

"Have we identified their exact location yet?" I asked trying to temper my thoughts.

"We have narrowed it down with about a five mile radius and we are hoping that Mr. Ivashkov will be able to contact Rosemarie again if it is possible," she finished. She sounded a little more businesslike and not so ruffled. I only wished that I had felt a little better after that conversation, but it honestly made me feel worse. I had no idea if Rose was even still alive.

I looked down at my watch, and realized that we had only been in the air a few minutes. This was likely going to be the longest hour and half flight of my life.

We touched down at Seattle/Tacoma International Airport at 9:30a.m., and filed into the two separate vans we had rented; from there it was a four hour drive to Spokane and it was raining. Most of the guardian's opted to sleep in the van because we were driving during our usual sleep time. I hadn't been able to sleep on the plane and the closer we progressed towards Spokane, the more anxious I felt, so I eagerly took the driving position about half way; at least I would feel some control over our speed.

Entering into Spokane I received a call on my cell from the other van.

"Guardian Belikov, Headmistress Kirova just received a call from Christian Ozera. Fall back and follow our van." Guardian Hathaway's voice shot sudden relief through me as I slowed the van to let the other pass us. The fact that a young Moroi had made the phone call was a good sign. Then I realized that Mr. Ozera's life could have been in exchange for another. I cringed lightly as I returned my focus to the road.

We crossed the Amtrak and the Spokane River before turning into a residential neighborhood. The first van slowed and pulled over and parked, so I pulled in behind it. The guardian's piled out of the van looking around on full alert.

"There!" Alberta called pointing half way down the street. Alberta and I took off into a sprint, followed closely by a few of the other guardians and one of the nurses from the clinic. The wet ground slapped under our shoes, but the rain had finally stopped.

_Mr. Ozera, Ms. Rinaldi and Mr. Castile… no Rose…_

"They were feeding off Eddie… and Mason got out too, but he went back for her…" Mr. Ozera moaned as he pushed Mr. Castile off of his shoulder toward me; the boy's face was pale, but he would recover.

"Her, you mean Ms. Hathaway?" Alberta posed.

Christian cleared his throat, "Yeah, Rose was the decoy. She told Mason to get us out and to get as far away as possible …"

Alberta looked at me and then looked around.

"Well, we got as far as Mason and I could carry Eddie, but Kirova said that you were coming … so we sat here…then Mason went back for Rose," Christian said, his obvious need for blood was looming. He wavered a little.

"Which house is it?" Guardian Hathaway posed.

Christian looked behind him slightly but then closed his eyes.

"Alright, you and Ms. Rinaldi should come with me, we've brought a feeder." Alberta helped the Moroi back toward the vans.

I picked up Mr. Castile and started to follow.

"Guardian Hathaway!"

All of us turned immediately to our right to see Mr. Ashford leap off the porch of a house only a few doors down and run toward us. I realized then that this house had the most trees of any on the entire block.

Janine raced toward him, met him halfway and together they ran back into the house.

My mind was racing; Mr. Ashford hadn't said a word, they just started running. Why hadn't he mentioned Rose? I hurriedly picked up my pace toward the van.

Eddie was bigger than most of the Dhampir's his age, and I immediately understood why the Strigoi had used him as a feeder. They took down the one they believed to be the strongest. I put him down in the backseat of the first van leaning him on his side to avoid asphyxiation if he suddenly became sick. A nurse was at my side and told me that she would help him from there.

I turned quickly toward the house.

"Belikov…" I turned back, frustrated, to see Alberta struggling to hold both Mr. Ozera and Ms. Rinaldi upright. Neither one of the Moroi looked well, but Mr. Ozera looked like he was on the verge of passing out. Reluctantly, I turned back and grabbed Mr. Ozera and brought him the rest of the way to the van.

"Mr. Ozera, you need to feed," I said as I tried to sit him in the first van with one of the feeders. Christian did not respond and I tried to sit him up again.

By this time Alberta had given Ms. Rinaldi to one of the nurses and she had started to feed.

"Mr Oz-"

"Guardian Belikov!!!"

I stuck my head out of the van to see Mr. Ashford running toward me. I eyed Alberta and she nodded taking Christian's weight off of me.

"Go," she confirmed.

I turned and met up with Mr. Ashford in the middle of the street.

"Is Rose okay?" I spit out quickly.

"I don't know, she looked pretty pale … Guardian Hathaway just sent me to get you… and-"

I didn't wait for Mr. Ashford to finish; I darted in front of him and tore up the steps of the front porch. I was barely five feet inside the door when I found Guardian Hathaway; her gaze set and a look of fury on her face. I followed her stare to my left.

At first glance the girl who stood in front of me was unfamiliar. She had blood spattered clothes and large gash across her cheek; the pain she was hiding was palpable; despite this she seemed absent; her eyes almost looked hollow.

_Roza…_

"Hey Comrade," Rose nodded slightly toward me and her face contorted with her movement.

I was suddenly aware of why Guardian Hathaway looked the way she had when I came in. It was not a look of anger, but instead it was disbelief … even shock. My face gave me away; I felt exactly the same. My heart was breaking just looking at her; if it even _was_ her.

She made a small noise, squinted and then closed her eyes bending further over the armchair she was leaning on.

"Rose?" Mr. Ashford asked walked over to her. "I think you need to go to the hospital or something…" Then words just started to tumble out of his mouth.

"I guess I just got caught up in the excitement … I mean, yeah we're both messed up and I saw him land a few hits, but I guess I just thought … or … I didn't want to think abou-"

Guardian Hathaway interrupted him, "Ashford, why don't I take you to the van? We should get you checked out anyway. Guardian Belikov will bring Rose out."

Awkwardly, Mr. Ashford ignored Guardian Hathaway and continued.

"Rose, you're okay right? What he did to you--"

Rose opened her eyes but she did not look directly at him for too long.

"Yeah Mase, I'm fine, promise. Like I said earlier…" She paused "… just a little tired. No big deal". Her voice was raspy and strange, I did not want to believe it was her.

Guardian Hathaway walked over to Mr. Ashford and guided him out of the room. I heard her linger a moment in the doorway, but she steadily proceeded out of the door and down the steps.

I focused my attention back toward the center of the room where Rose was, still half-standing, half-leaning, against an armchair. She looked up at me slowly and a frustrated look crossed her face and I wanted to find a way to fix it.

"Rose-"

"Dimitri … I know okay!" She stopped and her eyes squinted at the pain. "I know what I did… I know it was wrong. I know you told me to keep it to myself". She grunted lightly pulling back; she seemed like she was trying hard not to let herself get upset.

But then I saw her lean slightly to one side and instantly I ran toward her and pressed her body up against mine so that she would not fall. I did not know how to touch her. I wanted to hold her tightly, but I didn't know where she was hurting. Her face changed and she looked visibly upset.

"You've been such a good mentor. I'm letting you down. You don't need someone like me letting you down like this. I'm not strong enough. Just go!"

A few small tears escaped onto her cheek and she put her hand on my chest and pushed lightly.

_What was she saying? Does she think I would just leave her here? Even if I was angry…_

"Rose, stop…" She was not thinking clearly.

Stubbornly, she pushed against me again.

"I'm just not going to be a good guardian. I don't listen and .. and .. bad things happen … and-"

She leaned back toward the armchair, but started to fall. Quickly I grabbed her around the waist, stopping her just before hitting the floor. She screamed when my arms caught her, but when she suddenly became silent and I saw her eyes roll back into her head; I pulled her up and cradled her at my chest. Her head rested against my shoulder heavily.

She moaned slightly as I crossed the room with her in my arms.

She had to stop thinking about this now; I could tell it was eating away at her and making things worse.

"Rose, we can talk about those things later." We were a few feet in front of the door.

"Dim-" she breathed at me.

"Shh Roza-" I tried to soothe her.

"… I …I … I .. there's just a lot of blood…"

_Blood?_

I slowed and looked down. Rose's hand was covered in blood, but I could not see a wound.

Suddenly, I was not feeling any longer. She needed help. That was all I could think; I was determined.

I moved Rose slightly in my arms so that she was higher on my chest and so she could rest her head on my shoulder. I quickened my pace as I reached the bottom of the front porch.

The guardians were all waiting, some inside the vans and some standing along the curb staring, yet none of them questioned me as I strode by them and climbed into the van with Rose still clinging to me. They climbed in behind me and soon the vans were moving.

A mixture of voices and sounds filled the van, but I could only focus on the quick heartbeat mimicking my own. I leaned my head down and touched hers slightly; her breath was quick against my neck and the tears were still streaming down her face.

Softly, I put my cheek against hers and whispered into her ear.

"_Вы в безопасности, моя любовь… оставаться …__Roza, stay with me. Please?"_

I felt her heartbeat slow and with it, her breathing. I picked up my head to look at her; her face scrunched tightly but then quickly loosened as a single tear ran down her bloodied cheek. Slowly I felt her loosen her grip on my coat and her head lowered into my chest.

"Rose…Rose" I moved her lightly, but she did not respond. A guardian I did not recognize looked back at me from the front seat, likely hearing the desperation in my voice.

I had always had to be in control of my emotions when I was around Rose. She did something to me that made me more volatile than I had been in a long time. But it was then that I was the most thankful of my control, because it took everything I had to not break down staring at her limp body, heavy in my arms.

* * *

**This DPOV follows my fanfic, "No Time To Heal". **

**Thank you for your support, comments and constructive criticism appreciated :]**

**[http: // translate. google. com (make sure to take out the spaces)]**

**Translate from Russian to English ;]**


	2. Tests

**2**

**[ Tests ]**

The day had started to warm up, but a cluster of clouds covered the sun and the rain began to fall again. A nurse in the van moved to sit next to me when she realized that I would not let Rose out of my arms. I could tell that Rose was still breathing, but the nurse insisted on taking her vitals and checking her wounds. I turned her body slightly at the nurses' request.

The nurse prodded and maneuvered through the blood stained clothes, most of which were torn. She assessed the large cut on Rose's cheek, but she said it was not worth worrying about, I was still worried.

She slightly lifted Rose's shirt and I turned my head away quickly. I had seen Rose without her shirt when Victor Dashkov's lust charm had us under its spell; I could not tear my eyes away from her perfect body then and I did not want to be caught staring at a time like this.

_It was probably just the spell anyway…_

"Whoever is in the backseat I need you up here now, bring my bag please," the nurse called toward Alberta.

"What is it?" Alberta sat on the other side of the nurse with the bag.

When the nurse did not answer Alberta I asked another without turning my head, "What have you found?"

"Well, it seems that the blood was likely coming from this wound she has on her stomach, but the bleeding has stopped. It won't need stitches. The other problem is there is some bruising along her chest like there may be broken or bruised bones….but I will not be able to tell until I get an X-Ray done," the nurse answered.

I sighed a little anxiously and turned my head slightly and realized that Rose's body was adequately covered for me to look at. The nurse was still prodding.

"Damn…" The nurse suddenly spat.

"What?!"

"Her blood pressure is dangerously low and her breathing is shallow. I know she is probably tired, but I need you to wake her if you can… Belikov, this is very symptomatic of shock and she needs to stay awake if that is the case." Then nurse threw her bag onto the floor and started digging.

I looked at Rose's face frantically.

"Rose, Rose, I need you to wake up. Just for a little bit," I pleaded, but she did not move.

Alberta chimed in, while climbing into the backseat and leaning over the back of my bench.

"Rose, honey you need to wake up. You're safe now, you are safe."

Still with no movement the nurse pulled a small oxygen mask out of her bag and started shouting orders.

"She is unresponsive; how far away are we from the airport?" She shouted up front.

"'Bout ten to fifteen minutes," the guardian yelled over his shoulder.

"That needs to be five minutes and I need a blanket or something."

Everyone stalled looking around for something to cover Rose. Panicked, I awkwardly slunk out of my coat and motioned with my head for the nurse to slide it out from under me. I pulled the coat up over Rose and pulled her closer into my chest.

It felt strange having her so close to me while others could see. There were a few times in the past where I had to stop myself from being close to her, yet I never thought I would be sitting here among other guardians holding her. I looked up and Alberta pursed her lips sadly. She knew that I cared a lot about Rose; I only hoped that she did not know _how_ much.

I did not even fully understand what I felt.

The vans rushed to the airport, taking little time to transfer their passengers into the academy jet. Guardian Alto had approached me and asked if I needed anything as we boarded the plane, but I shook my head. There was nothing they could do for me, and I was reluctant when the nurses demanded that they take Rose to the back of the plane during the flight. I finally gave in once I realized it was best for Rose.

I sat, motionless in my seat staring out of my window and out onto the runway, clutching my coat. The drops still patted my window softly; it was distracting and almost hypnotizing.

The rain only stopped when we were back above the clouds.

"Guardian Belikov?"

I turned quickly around to see that Mr. Ashford had occupied the seat next to me. I would have been more perturbed that he had done so without my noticing, but with such little sleep and so much on my mind I attempted to let it go.

I nodded for Mr. Ashford to speak.

"Well, I just wondered if Rose is going to be okay… I had to ride in the other van and they couldn't tell me anything," he finished looking concerned.

During the ski trip it had become apparent that he enjoyed spending most of his time around Rose and momentarily, it seemed that she could be fond of him as well; however, the last time I spoke with Rose she had made mention that she was going to make it clear that she did not feel the same. I wondered if Rose had ever had that conversation with him.

"Mr. Ashford, all I can say is that she was badly injured. The nurse said that she has an open wound and that internal bleeding is a strong possibility," his face became much more upset and his eyes widened.

"… but as soon as I know anything more I will make sure you are updated," I finished trying to give him a little hope.

Mason nodded slightly and slid out of his seat, moving toward the back of the plane where the rest of the students were sitting. It was odd that I had felt better when I wasn't left alone with my thoughts. Trying to reassure Mr. Ashcroft had taken the burden off of my mind; I wished that someone else would talk to me to keep me busy, but the plane began its descent.

Arriving on campus I headed to the back of the plane, where the nurses had taken Rose.

"Guardian Belikov, she must go to the clinic now!" The nurse was scolding me as if I were about to take her elsewhere. I just ignored her and lifted Rose securely back into my chest. At least I felt that she was safe when she was with me and truth was I wasn't exactly sure that I would be ready to let go again.

Entering the academy clinic I found that a bed had already been set up for her and Dr. Olendzki had been given sufficient notice; she had all of the necessary IV's and monitors set up waiting.

I carefully put Rose down onto the bed; she was still motionless, but I finally was able to get a good look at her.

When I found her I knew that she had been injured, but I was not even aware of the magnitude. There were large bruises forming all over her arms and a large one beginning just below her hairline. The blood from the wound in her stomach had dried and the cuts on her face, cleaned. She looked like she had gone through hell and back, but despite that she was still unavoidably beautiful.

From the moment I met Rose I had always felt a strange pull to her that I had to constantly repress_. _The color of her skin, the darkness in her eyes and her hair_._..her long dark hair was slightly knotted with a few strands clinging to her forehead. My hand moved toward her to brush it out of her face, but then I realized that I was not alone and I let it fall quickly to my side.

The guardian's and nurses that had been on the plane were mumbling and shifting around the room somewhere behind me; I had to repress my urge to touch her, just to hold her again.

"Guardian Belikov, maybe you should get cleaned up and rest a bit…" A voice came from the side of me.

"No, I am fine." I turned and realized Dr. Olendzki had been the one to speak. She twisted her mouth and looked somewhat frustrated, but she turned and went back to checking on Rose. She should have been concerned about Rose before she was about me.

A few nurses walked over to Rose's bed and started pushing it out of the room.

"Where are they taking her?" I said without thinking and taking a few steps toward them.

"Guardian Belikov, she is still unresponsive and we need to do a few tests, please just wait here it will not be very long," the nurse prompted as they disappeared.

The clinic door opened and Headmistress Kirova's voice boomed into the room.

"Those who are not guardians or clinic staff are to leave until the morning. Everyone else must remain."

I looked around the room. Mr. Ozera and Ms. Rinaldi were checking out with the nurses; Princess Dragomir shifted uncomfortably in her chair, her eyes strained and Mr. Ivashkov sitting at her side.

"Please, I would like to stay," the Princess pleaded. I turned back to look between the Princess and Headmistress Kirova.

"I'm sorry Princess, you may visit first thing the morning. For now there are things that must be sorted out," she finished somewhat apologetically, but quickly returned the guardian she was talking to. I looked back at the Princess to see her soft face marred with a hint of anger, but she gracefully stood up and moved from the room with the rest of the students. The Princess had been through so much with Rose already and it seemed that Rose was prone to heal faster when they were together. It was almost as if their bond held much more power than anyone really knew.

Mr. Castile and Mr. Ashford were in the clinic for the night for supervision, though I doubted they would get much rest with all of the guardians around.

"Guardian Belikov, we are starting," Alberta ducked her head out of the office door and back in.

I took a deep breath and strode into the back of the room and leaned against the wall just as Headmistress Kirova began to talk.

"I would like to know exactly what happened from the beginning. Guardian Hathaway, what have you learned?"

It was almost as if I heard everyone in the room turn in their seats to stare at Guardian Hathaway who was almost invisible sitting among the other guardians. She looked slightly startled that attention had been called upon her, but she stood up promptly nevertheless.

"Headmistress, from what I have heard from the students, they wanted to find the Strigoi on their own. It seems that Rosemarie felt responsible for their leaving and left only to bring them back. In the meantime they were apprehended and taken to the location in Spokane. Mr. Ashford informed me on the return trip that the three Moroi were given the option to live if they chose to feed off of, and kill, the three Dhampir. Needless to say, they escaped before having to make that decision." Guardian Hathaway seated herself as soon as she finished speaking while murmurs filled the room.

"Yes, well the students will be disciplined accordingly, yet I would like to know how it was that they were able to escape such a situation. Does anyone know?" Headmistress Kirova looked around the room.

Just then the door was pushed open and Dr. Olendzki rushed in.

"I'm so sorry, but Janine may I speak with you please?"

I took a few steps toward Dr. Olendzki questioningly, but Guardian Hathaway exited the room just behind her without a word. I wanted to chase after them.

"Belikov was in the house as well," Guardian Alto advised from the front row.

The muscles in my jaw tightened.

"Belikov?" Headmistress Kirova asked looking around the room.

I cleared my throat and turned back toward the front of the room.

"Yes, I was in the house. It seems that Ms. Hathaway created a diversion long enough for the others to escape. Once they were safely away, Mr. Ashford returned to help her. They defeated the two Strigoi that were present, and then we arrived."

Headmistress Kirova started rolling her eyes, "Well that is just like her; just throwing herself into dangerous situations. Surely Ms. Hathaway did not think it wise to take on two Strigoi on her own… I-"

"-She did what she had to in order to save the Moroi; she risked her life for them!" My face felt slightly red and I was trying to keep my voice from shaking.

"Guardian Belikov, she did not follow protocol; she has not changed at all! She throws herself headfirst into situations and harms herself and others in the process! The blood on your clothes should be reminder enough!"

I stopped. Despite my anger, I paused, looking down at my shirt. I was surprised to find that blood covered the front of my chest where Rose had been. It was not the blood of haste, but that of pure selflessness. _Oh Roza..._

I looked up from the bottom of my eyes; I was careful not to let my anger take over.

"She only did what she has been trained to do. She put herself first without any regard for her own well being. You sound as if you are trying to punish her for something when ... when she did everything she could to save the rest of those students…" My voice was low, and if not for the size of the room, I probably would not have been heard.

"Guardian Belikov, you are defending this brash behavior? Is this what your training has done for her? It is a wonder she is even still alive at all!"

I tried to keep my composure, but my anger was seething. All eyes in the room were on me. I wanted to charge toward her and take her out the window myself. I had heard Rose talk about _Kirova_ like this before, but I had never seen a reason for hatred until now.

It was then that I realized, if I charged Kirova I would prove her right. She had insinuated that Rose's impetuous behavior was due to a lack of my own control.

Kirova stared back, realizing quickly that she would not get the best of me_. At least not today_.

"Guardian Belikov, I would like some air. Walk with me." I turned to see Guardian Hathaway standing next to the door with her hand out gesturing for me to exit the room with her. I hesitated for a moment staring back at Kirova, but quickly I nodded to Guardian Hathaway and left. She likely had no idea what she had just walked into.

We were outside, walking down the path toward the center quad,yet I had no idea where she was leading me. It had not been raining since we touched down; subsequently, I missed the pattering distraction.

Suddenly, Guardian Hathaway stopped and turned toward me.

"May I speak openly?" She asked quickly.

"Yes, of course Guardian H-"

"Janine," she cut me off and watched me nod my head; then she looked around before speaking again.

"Yes, Janine…" It felt weird to say that name. It was almost as if it belonged to someone else; I had never thought of her as anything but Guardian Hathaway.

"I would like to thank you for taking over for me in the house earlier. I-"she paused. "I felt that my emotions had been compromised due to the situation." She stopped and looked up at me.

I was a little uncertain of what to say, because I could not tell her the way that I felt about finding Rose in that house. I could not tell her that holding Rose's body heavy in my arms left a dull ache in my chest. I was anything but impartial.

"I only did what I was asked … Janine," it still felt weird. "I am sure that any other guardian would have done the same."

"You are probably correct, but I know that you are not _just_ her mentor, Dimitri…" she took a step a little closer to me and when she said my name I felt my heart jump up into my throat; I was afraid this was going to happen.

"You are also her friend. You are the first guardian on campus she has let into her life. Furthermore, not only has she started to catch up, but her grades as well as her demeanor have improved. I do not doubt that living in the real world changed her outlook when she was in Portland, but you will not avoid credit. You have given me hope for her, Dimitri."

"Thank you Guar .. Janine. Although, I will not take all of the credit, she has put in a lot of work herself. She also has a strength and sense of courage that is rare," I blurted out. I was literally stunned by what she had said and a little relieved at the term _friend_.

She nodded at me and put up a small smile that quickly faded.

"Is … Janine… is she going to be alright?" I asked quietly.

She closed her eyes briefly squeezing them shut but then opened them; they seemed slightly glossed over.

"Dr. Olendzki has informed me that although the brain scan did not show signs of hemorrhaging, her blood pressure and other vitals have not returned to normal." She looked up at me sadly.

"She said that, aside from her injuries, it is likely that Rosemarie is suffering from post-traumatic stress and she's fallen into a coma."

* * *

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	3. Had it Coming

**3**

**[Had it Coming]**

I did not remember walking back to the clinic, but apparently my conversation with Guardian Hathaway had ended and I was suddenly there without her. I looked around the room to see that I was standing in the hallway as a few nurses rushed by me.

I felt drained as I walked up to the door of the room Rose was in and I halted suddenly; Mason Ashford stood at the foot of her bed staring blankly at her. The bandages on his body seemed so miniscule when compared to Rose's wounds. Ashford scrunched his forehead and I saw him push a tear off his face angrily. Oddly, I felt sympathetic toward him.

"I'm sorry," his voice was low, but he was still facing Rose. "I am so sorry …"He walked over to her side and took her hand in his.

"I would give anything to go back. I wouldn't have left you alone in that house … you would all be okay…" He shook his head in disbelief.

I did not want to intrude on him any further, so I took a step away from the door; however, as I did so, my shoe squeaked against the floor and Ashford turned to see me. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, but then turned and walked toward me.

He walked out of the room avoiding my gaze, "Did Olendzki tell you?" He looked up at me with red, tired, eyes.

I nodded and answered quietly, "Guardian Hathaway informed me of the situation."

Ashford sighed and looked back into the room at Rose.

In that moment, I caught myself wondering if it would have been different if Ashford hadn't left her in the house alone. I did not have firsthand knowledge of the situation, and now was not the time to ask. But I honestly wondered if the circumstances could have been avoided.

_If he really cared about her, he would have made sure this didn't happen. _

My anger piqued momentarily, but I pushed it back down.

Despite the awkwardness, I pressed. "You should not blame yourself for this," I tilted my head slightly looking at him. I suppose I was trying to make him feel better. Or someone.

His face changed slightly looking up at me. "I don't," Ashford gritted his teeth, "we did our job and the Moroi are safe." The boldness in his voice slightly irritated me, but then I felt a pang of anxiety wash through me. This was exactly what I had been worried about myself. If I had been in that house with Rose, I could not say that I would have been thinking strictly about Moroi. This boy had made a decision that I, myself, might not have been able to make.

"You did the right thing. You should be proud." I tried to keep my voice level. Despite Ashford doing the right thing, I was suddenly aware of how much his demeanor changed when he was talking to me.

"Yeah…" He paused and looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

I realized then that he was just trying to seem brave; for that I could not fault him.

"I never doubted--"

"Get back into bed, Mr. Ashford," Dr. Olendzki spoke quietly but firmly.

"I told you that I would let you see her tomorrow, did I not? You need your rest." She finished scolding him.

He looked back at me with a look of irritation, but he complied.

Dr. Olendzki walked him back to the other room, which he shared with Mr. Castile, and then slowly moved back toward her office.

I glanced into Rose's room and I turned my body to rest my shoulder on the doorway.

The room was so quiet and peaceful; the sun was setting and the brilliant colors coming in the window shifted on the wall. I sighed deeply as I finally looked at her.

Because they had to control her breathing and protect her airway they had intubated her and hooked up her up to a breathing machine. Wires and tubes coiled around her and the green line steadily trudged across the heart monitor above her. Seeing all of this made my anger rise up again inside me.

_This should not have happened to her_… _Ashford should have don't whatever he could to save her…_

_If__** I**__ were there this would not have happened _

I closed my eyes trying to steady myself; my emotions were eclipsing any rational thoughts I had. I had to get out of there.

I bolted.

I rushed out of the building and across campus; the anger was still pressing heavily on me. I could almost taste it in my mouth. I felt like I was walking down a tunnel with nothing in my path. I saw and felt nothing; even if I had, it would not have mattered.

The gym doors slammed closed behind me as I made my way over to the training dummies and almost ripped my coat and my shirt off of my shoulders.

I lunged at the dummy in front of me, envisioning that it was the Strigoi that had hurt Rose. I wanted to tear it apart. I felt like my anger was controlling my movements, I made uppercuts to its' chest and landed a hook to its' face; I turned a single round-house kick into its' side; I jumped up and landed a blow in the middle of the dummies chest causing the post to reverberate.

The first image I saw in my head was Rose. She was back in the house in Spokane, the blood dried on her clothes and face; she had that look in her eyes, like she wasn't all there, like her mind was far away. The look was strange and vacant.

I squinted trying to get her out of my head, but then I saw her again, this time lying in the hospital bed covered in tubes and barely alive.

I jabbed relentlessly, but the gruesome images would not leave my head. I wished that the Strigoi in that house had been alive still so I could kill them myself; well, as alive as Strigoi can be.

I pulled my stake out of its holster and started swinging.

I slashed at the dummies chest and face. I wanted to take all the pain that I had seen on Rose's face, and inflict it on someone else. My emotions suddenly got the better of me.

Staggering, I backed into the wall behind me and I slid down to a sitting position; I did not realize how hard I had been breathing until I realized that I could barely catch my breath. I could feel the heat radiating from me, sweat thick on my skin and the murder surging through my veins.

I clenched my fists still gripping the stake tightly in my balled up fist; my hands and knuckles bloodied. I tried to steady my breathing and I let go of the stake in my hand. I pushed the strands of hair that had come out of my ponytail back off of my forehead, leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes.

I felt out of control and I never let myself feel that.

But then I slowly realized how lost and helpless I also felt. I could not believe I had let this girl affect me so much; that I had fallen in love with her so easily. I suddenly wished that for her sake I could have been stronger. If she didn't know how much I cared for her, maybe she could have gotten over me and found someone else. Maybe she would have been happy with Mason Ashford. Even though I would have been jealous, at least then I could try to forget her.

I got to my feet and wedged the stake out of my hand. I was surprised that the edges of the blade had left an imprint in my skin.

"Dimka!"

_How long had she been standing there?_

I grabbed my shirt from the floor and pulled it hastily over my head and turned around; Tasha walked toward me quickly assessing my face.

"Dimka, what's wrong? What happened!?!" She said looking me up and down and then pausing to stare at my chest.

I shook my head slightly "I'm fine. It isn't my blood." Luckily I had hid my hand in my pocket before she could see that too.

"You can't tell me nothing is wrong. I do not think I have seen your dummies look like _that_ after any training… and if it is not your blood, then whose is it?"

Curiously, I looked up at her and then over to the dummy behind me. Or at least what used to be a dummy.

The padding was strewn everywhere with bits of the artificial bone sticking through it. All that was left or recognizable was the pole used to hold the dummy upright and one glass orb among the debris that was likely an eyeball at one point.

"…he had it coming," I bent to start picking up some of the remains, but Tasha grabbed my arm. I stopped, but I did not immediately look up at her.

"Dimitri …"

She never called me Dimitri. Even when we had first me, we became friends quickly and she always referred to me as _Dimka. _

"What happened? Have the kids been found? Are they okay?"

Then I looked up, "You haven't heard?" I would not have been surprised if the entire school had heard about it.

"No, I just got in today. I arrived and literally came here to look for you…" She paused momentarily.

"Is Christian-"

I cut her off, "He is fine. They were in Spokane and we retrieved them this morning."

"Oh! He is here!?" She started to walk toward the door excitedly, but then stopped.

"But, if they are here, then … what is it? Please tell me what is wrong?"

She took a step toward me unwrapped the dark blue scarf from around her neck; it complimented her eyes and hair remarkably. I remember thinking that it was good that I was noticing how another woman looked, but then remembered how much I would have preferred that it had been Rose standing in front of me.

"Some of the Dhampir's were injured; one more than the others …"

A look of realization crossed Tasha's face.

"…Oh, Dimka! Is she going to be okay; what happened? I know how much a mentor can care about his student …"

_If only it were that simple._

I recounted the events leading to and following the Spokane house, sparing her details but explaining that it was Rose's blood that still clung to me. It reminded me of her body falling heavy in my arms.

Tasha listened with an amazed look on her face and started to tear up when I explained that Rose had fallen into a coma.

She gasped loudly.

"Oh, that poor girl! I cannot imagine what it must have been like for her to go through all of that. Her mind must have shut down to protect itself…" She shook her head back and forth. She was visibly shaken.

She looked back up at me, her eyes still shiny. "…and I can't imagine what is must be like for you. Being a mentor and seeing her like that…"

She moved toward me quickly trapping me in her embrace. It was not the first time Tasha and I had hugged like this, but it was definitely the first time that I wanted to push her off of me and run. It felt awkward to be enveloped by her; being comforted by her, especially regarding Rose. I felt like I was cheating.

…_But on whom?_

When I did not return her embrace she looked up at me and smiled minutely.

"Dimka … I know it is hard to think about … but you have me. If you want to talk about anything…"

She leaned on her toes and kissed me softly on the cheek. I returned a half-hearted smile and nodded politely. When I did not say anything else, she turned and left.

I stood in the middle of the gym floor staring at the spot where Tasha stood.

It was then that I remembered Tasha's offer and a feeling of guilt washed over me. I was so selfish. She was so sympathetic and caring; she was strong and brave; she was mature and she wanted to be with me. Why was it that I could not just take her offer and move on? She was everything I was supposed to want from a partner.

Except she wasn't Rose.

* * *

**Chattgirl4: besos !**

**... if you have not read 'Time to Heal' it is my fanfic that this piece is based upon :]  
**


	4. Elbow Room

4

[Elbow Room]

I looked down and picked up my jacket from the floor; its arms still inside-out and tucked into itself. I unknotted it and threw it on just before reaching the door; before shutting the light off, I looked back.

All that was left in the room was a haunting Tungsten glow, and the destroyed practice dummy on the floor. I thought momentarily about cleaning up the pieces, but I could not stay in the room any longer. The stillness of the air was deafly ominous.

I sighed and had to try a little harder to swallow. I had to turn the lights off, but I was not ready to let thoughts trickle into my head that it might be the last time that I could bare to be in the room. I wanted to think that I would have more training sessions in here with Rose.

I walked out the door leaving the light on.

The next few days inched by and I found myself hating to be alone. Despite Headmistress Kirova and other guardians suggest I take a few days off, I respectfully declined.

I worked my shifts day after day, once in a while I even detoured to get a little closer to the clinic. I could not bring myself to go back in but very often I found myself changing my scouting route just to be near it.

The time I spent in bed, trying to fall asleep, created more time for me to sit and think; subsequently, more time to think about Spokane. I imagined scenarios and how they might have played out differently, but the more I thought about it the more anxious I became.

In the last two weeks I had only been asleep a total of six hours and it was weighing heavily on me. I found myself zoning out frequently and I knew if there had been any danger I would not have been able to do my job.

One night after lying awake for nearly four hours I could not even lie in bed anymore and I had the urge to do anything to get out. To get out of my head.

The closest bar was in Missoula; the _Elbow Room._

I jumped in one of the guardian vans and headed out; I could already tell that the long quiet drive was not going to be very welcoming. I turned up the radio hoping it would block out my thoughts and stepped harder onto the gas pedal. I did not notice what songs were playing, but I also could not think of anything. It was deafly comforting.

The bar parking lot was empty aside from two cars parked right out front.

As soon as I stepped into the bar, I let myself exhale. This place felt nothing like the Academy. The sign just inside the door read: _**Liquor** __**in the front -Poker in the back**_, and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

The bartender was slender, slightly shorter than me and he was wearing a plaid collared shirt that was haphazardly tucked into the front of his loose denims. His head nodded along with the music from the speakers; however, every so often he seemed slightly off beat. It was then that I noticed that despite the lack of customers he had not stopped sipping his coffee to look at me when I had taken a seat at the very end of the bar.

Besides myself there was a couple sharing food in a booth across the room and I realized it was likely human lunchtime. Other than that, the bar was empty. The woman leaned on the table and fed the man across from her a few fries. I quietly chided myself for hating their happiness.

I looked back at the bar-tender and cleared my throat.

"Do you have Pshenichnaya?" I asked somewhat loudly.

He eyed me slowly, put his coffee down next to the cash register and sauntered over to me.

"… should know yer the only one in the whole state of Montana that would ever order Pshenichnaya, Dimitri…"

I nodded at his comment and realized it was likely true that while Pshenichnaya was popular in Russia it was likely not as prevalent in the U.S., especially dive bars in the middle of Montana. I never really drink, yet it seemed like when I did, I preferred it over the popularized Stolichnaya.

As he poured my drink into a double-shot glass I felt bad for not remembering this man's name, as I had no inclination then that I would come back.

"If I 'member correctly the last time..long while back… yewer here ya had some sort of di-lemma with your job and some woman…" he leaned back on his hands on the counter behind him and looked down at me.

The first and last time I had been to this bar my problems seemed so miniscule when comparing them to what I was feeling now. The last time I had come to this bar, I had come to the decision that I would tell Rose that I did not love her and that the lust charm on the necklace was the only reason we had been so intimate. I had not told this bartender all of the details, but he got the abridged version. The _very_abridged version.

"… I just needed a good drink and I knew where I would likely find it," I said tossing my drink down my throat.

The man eyed me skeptically and pulled the bottle out from under the counter to refill my glass.

His gaze turned to the couple dropping a bill on the bar and thanking him.

"Later Rocky," the man waved and threw his arm around the woman he was with. They exited the bar and it looked like I had become _Rocky's _only patron.

"Well, if ya just need a drink that's what I'm here for… but you don't really seem like the drinkin type if you ask me…"

I just looked up at him and his graying eyebrows rose minutely. He was right; I am not the drinking type.

I sighed quietly in my chest.

Telling someone at the Academy about how I felt was out of the question. At least this guy did not really even know me.

"That woman I told you about before…we should not be together. It is best for both of us if we stay friends," I said vacantly staring at the glass between my hands.

"Does this woman agree wi'cha?" Rocky asked as he pulled out limes and started to pear them.

"I think she knows it is the right thing, but then there are moments when it is clear it is not what she wants, at all".

I stared off.

Rose had been trying to keep her distance and she even tried to move on. She told me that I should take Tasha's offer and it seemed that despite her feelings she would try, as I had, to let it go.

"Well, sounds like it'll werk itself out then," Rocky said scooping the lime wedges into a bin and throwing it under the bar next to one of cherries and lemon slices. He picked up a towel from the back and started wiping down the already shiny wood on the bar.

It _did_ seem simple without all of the rest of the details. I shot my glass again into my mouth and swallowed hard. I could feel the burn rush down into my stomach like a small fire, but just as quickly as it had happened I felt numb once again.

I pushed my glass and Rocky filled it again, this time leaving the bottle on the bar next to my glass.

I quickly filled it myself and drank it. I knew I should not drink anymore and the last time I had been in here I had only a shot or two in regular shot glasses. When I had become a guardian I had told myself that I would not drink, even if off duty; however, I finally agreed to stop caring even if just for tonight.

"She could be… leaving… and I am just angry" I was trying to push the thoughts out of my head without giving away too much information, but it was becoming much harder.

I poured and drank as I finished talking.

"Well," Rocky started. "Sounds to me like yer problem could be solved for ya', if she goes then temp-tation won't be there. Why doncha find yerself another woman – nuthin like forgettin a woman with another woman". Rocky eyed me as he threw his towel over his shoulder and reached for his coffee again.

It was possible to find another woman, especially since one had recently offered to share her life with me.

"There is another woman, but I have YET to feel about her what I feel for Ro … the other one". My guard was slipping and oddly enough my voice was becoming awkwardly loud and slow.

"I wish I had yer problems, son. Too many women is not somethin' I can genuinely …empathize with." He had chosen the right word and I did think it was funny. Me, too many women …

"I just don't know if this other woman is right," I mumbled.

Rocky walked closer to me and leaned over the bar at me.

"Is she pretty?"

… "yes?" I wanted to think she was.

"Is she smart?"

"Yes." There was no doubting that.

"Is she good to you?"

"Yes," Tasha definitely was that; she had always been.

He eyed me flatly and walked away without another word.

He was right and suddenly I felt a little angry with myself for complaining. Rose and I should not be together, and it was time for me to move on. While I could not accept Tasha's offer yet, whole heartedly, it was something I should contemplate more seriously.

I went to fill my glass again but only drops came out as I shook it abrasively.

I looked up at Rocky who had watched my movements and sighed.

"Sorry I don't really have the answers for ya…seems like you already have all the answers…." He leaned down opening another bottle, this time it was a bottle I did not recognize.

"… and I'm sorry I don't have more of your vodka…"

He also pulled out two shot glasses and the container of limes he had just cut. He poured a single shot for each of us, which later I did not understand since we had more than a few shots a piece of tequila. We also talked a bit more, most of which I do not remember. What I did remember was thinking how much I wished I could talk to Tasha and to tell her that I was sorry for being so short with her. I wondered if she had changed her mind after seeing me last.

The bartender's voice interrupted my thoughts.

"Are you here to get him?" The bartender bellowed.

I did not hear a voice confirming but I heard two chairs to the right of me pull out from the bar.

"Alright Belikov, I think we better call it a night, what do you think?"

The voice seemed slightly further away than it should have, but I ignored the sensation as alcohol induced.

I eyed him slowly, "Stannn" and then to his right, "…Alberta… "

I looked back at Guardian Alto and then I winked at him. I immediately remember questioning the wink; mostly because Alto gave me a slightly sour expression and Alberta had started to laugh behind him.

"How much did you let him drink, Roc?" Alto shook his head toward the bar tender whose name I would likely forget again.

"_Let_ him drink?" Rocky looked slightly annoyed.

"I never see this guy in 'ere but twice in a year. Seems like when he does come in he has a good reason and he gets it done right," Rocky was now wiping down the bar again, not even waiting for Guardian Alto to respond. Seemed like he did that a lot: he talked, poured drinks and wiped down the bar.

Guardian Alto turned back to me ignoring the tender's quip.

"Well, the gate called me said that you told him you would be back soon. Five hours later, he called me and woke me up again saying that you were still gone. I figured you would be here," he turned back to Alberta and she shrugged lightly. Alberta hadn't seemed to come to scold me as Stan had.

"Are you upset about Rosemarie?" Alberta questioned.

_A motive…_

I leaned on my hand and my eyes leered over to Rocky who was likely trying to not eavesdrop, but it was hard when no one else was around… at a bar… in the middle of the day.

"… couldn't sleep, wanted a drink …" It wasn't really a sentence, but it was the best I could muster.

"Well, you didn't have to drive all the way to Missoula for a drink Belikov!" Alto was always so loud!

I winced and rubbed my forehead. His voice was just like an ice pick in my brain.

"Only bar around that serves his vodka," Rocky echoed now from the kitchen.

Man he moved fast. I didn't even see him go back there.

"Well, whatever." Stan was visibly more irritated by the second. "Let's get back to campus," he slid out of his seat and moved toward the door.

Alberta thankfully climbed off her seat and moved to help me from mine.

"How much does he owe you?" She asked patting her pockets for her wallet.

Rocky moved toward the cash register, "Let's call it $30 even" he said looking under a pair of reading glasses he had pulled on. It was very likely that I should have paid double for that, but Alberta threw two twenty's onto the bar and told him to keep it.

"… make sure you have more Pshenichenichhh…naya …a nextime…" I pointed at him slightly leaning on the bar as I walked toward the door. I suddenly wished I had not thought of drinking more.

He looked at me curiously and then realization washed over him.

"Oh! Pshenichnaya!" he nodded and smiled saying the word slowly. "I really would hate to see you in here again, but I'll make sure it is included with my next order".

"Thanks," Alberta said aiming me toward Stan who was holding the front door open.

I slid into the van Alberta was driving as Stan had to drive mine and had little tolerance for further conversation with me.

The sun was bright and I was glad Alberta had brought another pair of sunglasses. The Missoula trees and mountains whooshed by in my peripheral making me slightly nauseous.

"I am sorry about Rosemarie, Dimitri…but there is still hope," Alberta said lightly from the seat next to me.

I wanted to tell her something sarcastic…

_hope?can I drink it?_

On one hand I knew that she was right, but my head was lulling against my shoulder which distracted me.

I gave in finally, letting it rest against the seat. A few dizzying moments later I was out.

* * *

**[Besos to my Beta chattgirl4]**

**I know it seems unlikely that Dimitri would just tell some random stranger his problems, but I think when you are under stress feeling emotional pain - you can act somewhat OOC.**

**I think this shows how Dimitri is a lot like Rose- she has an impulsive side, but Dimitri does not let Rose see it.**

**Summer is starting to look so beautiful and it is distracting :] - hope everyone is getting some needed rest  
**


	5. Goodbye

5

[Goodbye]

While patrolling the dorms one evening I had the raw, honest, realization that Rose stood for something. Besides the fact that love was frowned upon among the Dhampir community and Rose was the epitome of that proscription, she was everything I had not allowed myself to be; yet, I was drawn to her from the beginning.

_I had sprinted hastily, in order to counter the girls' departure from their apartment, only to halt directly into silence. I hovered lightly in the shadow of a tree that masked much of the sidewalk on the corner of a street; my breathing shallow in my chest. I knew immediately that I had found them when I saw __**her**__; she looked just like she did in the picture, but with longer hair. I knew this would be the night we would apprehend the two girls; I had been watching them for almost a month._

_Footsteps quickened toward me and I stepped out in front of the two girls. In retrospect, I think I was momentarily stunned by Rose's features; the picture that the academy had passed out was relatively old and did her no justice this close. She was breathtaking._

_They skidded to a stop and Rose quickly assessed me, looking me up and down- taking me in. She sensed danger and because of that she jerked the Princess back away from me and slid in front for protection. She had a murderous glow to her eyes and they darted around her. I nodded minutely bringing the other guardians closer, which she detected easily as well. The girls were surrounded without even a remote chance of breaking away._

_Almost immediately, Rose pulled Lissa more closely behind her own body and let out something that resembled a low growl, "Leave her alone, don't touch her!" Her voice cracked and her energy seemed to waver momentarily; however, she did not look away from me- she was looking at me as if I were Strigoi._

"_Guardian Belikov, do we move in?" my earpiece sharply reminded me of our mission. I shook my head minutely and exhaled._

_I put my hands up to show the girls that I was not going to hurt them, but I knew that Rose had been trained to fight anyone who came too close to the Princess. I kept my hands up and did my best to soften my face when I leaned forward with a cautionary step._

"_I'm not going—"_

_She leapt at me clumsily, which I easily thwarted with a swipe of my arm. I intended to merely to send her the message that she would not get away from us, but she was surprisingly weak and the blow sent her flying clumsily backward. I moved in succinctly to grab her arm and keep her upright, but before I could say a word to her the glisten of blood on her neck caught the moonlight and I was momentarily distracted._

_Growing up in the Dhampir commune with my mother and sisters, with other blood whores, had been a distant memory that I had almost forgotten. Quickly I shook that idea off and rationally I realized that it was more likely that Rose had been keeping the Princess alive; most Dhampir would rather find a feeder than let Moroi use them. It was the first time I remember thinking that Rose had the potential to be a great guardian. She was giving all of herself to the Princess._

_Rose realized then what I was looking at and she shook her long hair hastily to cover the bite marks. Her eyes flashed to meet mine and she defiantly pulled her arm out of my grasp. She backed toward the Princess wearily, likely weakened from the feeding, and clenched her fists as if to fight again._

"_Rose, don't. It's over…" Princess Vasalissa said somewhat sternly. Rose slightly pursed her lips and then closed her eyes tightly. She turned to the Princess and stared at her; however; oddly enough after a few seconds, Rose exhaled as she seemed to concede. Her body swayed lightly but she regained her posture and turned to look up at me._

But for some reason, suddenly, I could not remember her face. I shook my head and blinked trying to focus my mind. The face I saw when I closed my eyes was the one that was almost entombed in the clinic; where her heart-warming features lay cold and hushed. I closed my eyes even tighter trying to bring back other memories, but the harder I tried the more lost she became in my head. I wanted to see her dark eyes looking up at me with that veneration that made me lightheaded.

I found myself suddenly standing in Rose's room in the Dhampir dorms, unable to pinpoint the moment when I had made the decision to come. I was slightly concerned by my impulse, but I did not turn to leave. I closed the door behind me with a loud click from the brass lock.

I moved across the room slowly, attempting to step over her belongings; her room was haphazardly put together. The bed was unmade and her desk was covered with books she likely had not picked up since the semester had begun. I clicked on the small lamp on the corner of hers desk and I turned to survey the room once again. Beside her bed was a book I had given her about innovative guardian techniques and training and about halfway through it seemed she had marked her page with a gum-wrapper. That made me roll my eyes slightly, but a small chuckle rose from my chest as well.

Next to the desk I was leaning on, was a small cork bulletin board and it was plastered with a collage of photos of Rose and the Princess. The photos ranged from at least age five until very recent. One of the photos was likely taken when they had run away from the academy because they were out in public and they were without other guardians.

My eye surveyed the pictures and came to rest on one that had been likely taken on a recent Halloween; the two girls were adorned with wings and large amounts of glitter. They both looked carefree and happy.

That Rose seemed so far away like I was thinking of someone else, but it reminded me of my post here. I was to protect the Princess at all costs; I could not let anything affect my work. Training Rose was a large part of keeping the Princess safe, and that is where it should have ended.

It was the face that I needed engrained in my memory; it was the way I wanted to always remember her.

I left the room silently, knowing what I must do next. It was an hour or so before most of the students and staff would be awake and by the orange tint outside I could tell that the sun was slowly making its decent on the horizon.

The low hum of the machines in Rose's hospital room distracted me momentarily, but I finally looked down at her. She would have merely looked asleep if it weren't for her striking pallor. She had always been darker than most of the students at the academy, but her skin looked almost as delicate as the Moroi. Her open wounds were healing well, but it made my heart hurt just to look at her. I bit my lip quickly; trying to bury the sob that I knew was waiting in my chest.

"…Guardian Belikov…"

Startled, I turned to see Guardian Hathaway standing a few feet behind me. She eyed me questioningly.

"… I did not expect to see you here, I can come back if you prefer…" she hesitated and then began to turn.

"No – I mean, I don't mind at all. I was just leaving," I nodded in her direction and she stepped closer to Rose's bedside.

I turned to leave, but she started to talk again.

"You know, I have been trying to tell myself to let her go, but I cannot seem to do it," she looked down and pulled the blanked taut across the bed. Guardian Hathaway was being candid with me again, which I should have thought of as positive, yet her status still made me apprehensive to reciprocate.

"You know," she started as she looked up at me, "I will be leaving at the end of next week. I don't feel I am doing a great deal of good sitting here just waiting and if I preoccupy my mind with work maybe …" she paused and her eyes moved back to Rose.

Her voiced had wavered slightly and she cleared her throat, likely trying to keep from crying. She stood, flattening the creases in her collared shirt and smoothing her short hair back behind her ears.

"Well, I will keep in touch with the school and I trust I will hear from you if anything changes," she said calmly as she quickly walked out of the room.

I stared after Guardian Hathaway for what seemed forever.

Yes, she was leaving; however, as hard as it was for her, she was pushing herself to move on from all of this. She knew she had a duty to fulfill and sitting around waiting for something that might not happen was almost negligible.

I never would have anticipated that my feelings could go _this_ far; that I would let them. I could not be angry any longer and I would not allow myself to feel helpless.

I turned and walked back to Rose's bedside. I covered her hand with mine, enveloping it. Her hand was so small and cold.

In a low whisper I started, "It was wrong for me to tell you how I felt. I should have been stronger. I cannot take back the things I have said or done, but I can change it. I can fix it."

I silently touched her cheek with my thumb wishing she would cover my hand in hers to keep it there.

I leaned down and placed a small kiss on her cheek, knowing I would never go back to the clinic and knowing that moment could very well have been my last with her.


	6. Date

**6**

**[Date]**

Sometimes my eyes feel so heavy in my head that I really think that I will sleep; however, the golden hues turn cold and the deep shadows start to move across the room again. The sun forced into rest. Moonlight.

It is always comforting to know that I don't have to try to sleep any longer. It is easier to keep busy with work.

"…Dimka?"

Blinking slowly I turned to look back at Tasha Ozera, warily looking up at me from across the table.

I had no idea what she had been talking about. I had been trying to stay out of my head, but I had clearly failed.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"

"I asked if you were enjoying your lunch, you have not really touched it…"

I looked down at my plate in assessment.

"Oh… yeah" I said, "it's fine. I'm just not as hungry as I thought," I brought the corners of my mouth up in a small smile, but when Tasha's concern remained on her face I knew I had to try a little harder.

Tasha had been planning dinner for over a week and now. At first I told her I did not know if I wanted to go, but I realized this was something I needed to do. I agreed much to her delight.

"If you want to leave, we can. Maybe this was not such a good idea after all…" Tasha said folding her napkin and sliding it next to her plate.

"No, no.. Like I said .. it's fine… I'm sorry. I was just thinking about some work things, but I won't let it interfere with our …" …date? Was this a date? I didn't even know. It had been so long since I had been on a date that I couldn't quite put myself at ease.

Tasha smiled, "date?" she finished.

"…Yeah" I smiled back and I laughed uneasily.

"Well, that is something that I would like to talk to you about," she said casually folding her napkin back into her lap. She sipped her wine and then turned her eyes back to me.

"Before the ski trip we had discussed the idea of you changing your charge with the Princess. As a royal I would like a guardian." Tasha brushed a few strands of hair off her shoulder and then folded her hands into her lap. "I also expressed my interest in starting a family … with you".

She raised her eyebrows, which I took as her signal for me to respond in some way. Now that things had calmed down enough to focus on the question of "us" again, I didn't know if I was really ready to tell her that I would be her guardian.

"Yes, I remember that discussion…" I adjusted in my chair.

Tasha smiled.

"I would –"

-"Sir are you finished with your meal? "

I looked up at the waiter who had interjected, to Tasha, and then back to the waiter.

"Yes"

"Would you like me to box this up for you, sir?" He asked politely.

"Yes, thank you," He gathered the plates and moved to walk away.

Tasha smiled.

"Oh," I called.

The waiter turned back swiftly with ease.

"Can we also have the cheque?" I smiled.

"Yes, of course sir, I will be right back". He walked away quickly; likely trying to avoid further questions.

I turned back to Tasha. The eager smile on her face did nothing to calm my anxiety about the pending conversation. I knew exactly what she wanted, but I did not know if I could give it to her … not yet anyway.

"So, as you were saying," she said placing her hand on mine.

"Right…" I cleared my throat. "Well, I have been thinking about our previous conversations … and I would-"

"-here's your box sir, and your cheque…and have a wonderful evening" The waiter posed with a smile on his face.

I nodded at him, thanking him.

I tipped and signed the bill, closing the leather pockets soundlessly.

"Ready?"

Tasha nodded with a small sigh.

The car ride was quiet except for the low hum of the radio. I had been given a little more time to think since leaving the restaurant, but that ended quickly.

"So, Dimka … as you were saying?" She said a little more quietly.

I glanced over at her next to me. She was facing the front window; the slow cadence of the passing streetlights illuminated Tasha's ice blue eyes.

"I'm sorry we've been interrupted so many times" I said apologetically. This really was not fair to her. I reached forward and turned the radio off.

"Not your fault," she said looking back at me.

"I have been thinking about becoming your guardian, and the other specifications… I …" I looked over to her again. "I just don't have an answer for you yet, and for that I am sorry…but –"

A low sound hummed from the pocket of my coat and Tasha turned toward me.

"You should get that" she said reluctantly.

I picked my cell phone out of my pocket and turned it over.

The caller ID flashed _Alberta._

After another buzz I mashed a button and put the phone back into my pocket.

"It's my night off-it can wait." I said. My phone mutely chimed as it shut off.

Tasha smiled up at me as we turned onto the academy's front drive. Classes would almost be out about now, but the school was mostly vacant. I parked the van and helped Tasha out.

Tasha smiled, "well, thanks for a nice evening…" Tasha took a step away, but I reached out for her hand and pulled her back.

"I'll walk you back to the cabin"

"You don't have to"

"I mean, I would like to walk with you…"

After a moment she smiled and nodded, "I would like that too".

The air was a bit warmer than it had been. Even though the cold reminded me of home, it was nice to know that spring would not be long now. The cabin was not too far off, but it created ample time to finish our conversation from earlier.

"So, like I was saying before the interruptions… I really don't have an answer for you yet." I appraised her face momentarily. She was listening intently, but I could tell she was somewhat disappointed. "

"This last month was very busy and I feel like it is finally starting to settle down."

Tasha nodded knowingly. "I know work has been very difficult for you lately, especially when the kids were missing. It seems like you took what happened to Rose pretty hard…"

"Yes, well. As her mentor it was difficult to see her leave without informing the guardians of the situation." I said offhandedly.

"No, that's not really what I meant. Rose has been in the clinic for .. what… month now? And I've seen how much that is affecting you. You two must have been pretty close," she said as we stopped close to the front door of the cabin.

I looked down at her, wishing I could just tell her everything, hoping she would just understand. But I knew I couldn't.

"It is hard watching a student with such promise fall. I do admit that since spending so much time working with her, I do miss it at times."

Tasha frowned ruefully as she took my hand and squeezed it lightly.

"Dimka, I am so sorry. To be honest I had not realized that I was pressuring you to make a decision at such a bad time." Looking up at me, she caressed my hand. Her eyes seemed to glow in the moonlight.

"Please, this is not your fault. I would just like you to know that since I have been so busy I have not really been able to think about … about us… very clearly. But I would like to." I hoped she heard the sincerity in my voice.

Tasha's mouth changed into a small smile as she stared up at me. Admittedly, she does have a beautiful smile. The way she scrunches her nose just a little when she is_ really_ happy. For a small moment, it made me feel better to think that someone wanted me; that someone like Tasha was happy anticipating a relationship with me.

Tasha stepped into me. I leaned toward her slowly and she mirrored my movement. Our lips touched slowly, almost hesitantly. Her lips were soft as they caressed mine and she placed one of her hands on my chest.

It felt good and in that moment; it felt like I might be finally doing something right.

The kisses softened and we both seemed to pull away at the same time. I pulled her toward me, hugging her briefly.

"Dimka, you know, there is no rush. I don't need an answer immediately… " she said stepping out of the embrace.

I nodded, "Okay." I smiled.

"See you soon?"

"Of course. I have a few days off this month; we could go out then if you have time…"

Tasha nodded. She turned and went into the cabin, closing the door behind her with a soft click.

Walking back toward the larger part of campus it seemed that this whole evening was out of the ordinary. Tasha was much more understanding than I had anticipated, and despite a slightly awkward dinner conversation, our date ended well.

The kiss felt good. I didn't feel my pulse race or that electric feeling I got in my veins when I kissed Rose, but maybe it was a good thing. Maybe I felt those things with Rose because I knew it was wrong and I knew if someone found us, my career would be over. Maybe what I felt kissing Tasha was right.

I took a deep breath of the crisp air and exhaled.

Students were beginning to file out of the buildings and the campus seemed to come alive in mere minutes. Most students would make their way back to their dorms for homework and other activities; I, on the other hand would finish my night off in my room with a book, and possibly some sleep if I was lucky. I felt a little lucky today.

As I moved across the grass toward the faculty dormitories, a student ran by me, slightly clipping my shoulder.

"Slow down," I cautioned, a little annoyed.

When I didn't hear a response I turned around. Mason Ashford was sprinting toward the far side of campus.

* * *

**For those of you reading this after 'No Time to Heal', the end of this chapter is basically at the same point as the end of CH4. Any comments are great. Thank you for those of you who read my other fanfics and continue with this one.**

**I know I have taken a long time writing this and it might seem relatively slow, but I promise it will get better. I've already written some of the latter chapters so it will get faster eventually. Plus, if you've read the other story you know things speed up in the story as well.**

**3 besos  
**


	7. The Beginning

**7**

**[The Beginning]**

I stared back toward Mason Ashford as he sprinted out into the distance. I had no idea why was in such a rush, but I dismissed the encounter as quickly as it had come. I would enjoy the rest of my night off without doing anything work-related if it killed me.

Once in my room I showered, threw on a pair of drawstring pants and grabbed the book I had been waiting to start.

I propped up my pillows on my bed and adjusted until I was just right.

Looking around I shook my head.

_My hot date night went from me and Tasha… to me and Louis._

There were many reasons why I was hooked on the works of Louis L'Amour. Maybe it was his insight into adventure that caught me. When I was notified that I was needed in America I did not hesitate at a chance to see the places described in his books.

His messages and themes also instilled a moral compass in me. The sheer weight of responsibility was something I understood at an early age. It was something I believed I could handle. It was something L'Amour shaded perfectly.

I flipped open the pages of my book, skipping to the first page…

"…There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."

I smirked silently to myself and shook my head. I rolled over onto my stomach pulling a pillow under my chin.

_Maybe it was the beginning of something… something great. _

As the sun began to rise that evening, I closed my eyes and slept for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I dreamed about many things, specifically, about Tasha.

Becoming Tasha's guardian was a lot easier than I had expected. We lived in a house near the academy so she could be closer to Christian until he graduated. After that we moved closer to the Royal Court and start a family. Our kids had her eyes and wanted to grow up to be guardians like me. Life was easy and we were happy. We looked like the ideal family. It was what every Dhampir was supposed to want.

My alarm blared at me, and I was disappointed to be rushed back to reality so abruptly. It was dark again and work was only an hour away. Reluctantly, I got out of bed.

There were many things about being a guardian that the Academy could not full prepare its' students for, but there are two things that have always surprised me. First, and probably most important one does not know how they would react in a dangerous situation until they had real world exposure. Dhampir training sets up the fundamentals; however, until a guardian faces life or death decisions, he or she has no idea what they would really do. Second, and this may seem trivial, but it was also unexpected… security patrol is the most boring part of the job, and if you work at an academy it takes up most of your time.

Campus safety is important, but most of the time it feels like high school daycare. Keep an eye on the students as they move from class to class; in between classes make sure no one is trying to get in or out of campus; make sure students stay in their dorms after hours. The end.

By now the students should all be in their respective classrooms, so there was little to do but walk the grounds.

A few hours later my ear bud pulsed, "Belikov".

_Please give me something else to do …_

"Yes –" I tapped my transmitter.

"What is your position?" Alberta's voice crackled through.

"Between Moroi and Dhampir dorms heading back toward classes… what can I do for you?"

Anything to do would be better than pacing a length of campus again…

"I'll find you, just stay put" She said.

…Except that. Standing here is much worse than walking around.

"Belikov did you hear me?" She retorted. "I said stay put".

"Yes, I got that. I'll stand here.. in the cold. It's fine".

"Good," her voice was right behind me and I turned quickly.

"How can I help you?" I said burying my hands in my pockets.

"Well, first off I wanted to know why you didn't answer your phone last night." She said somewhat annoyed.

"Alberta, it was my night off- you can't expect me to be on duty every second. The school was still here when I got back, unless you think you couldn't handle me being away." I teased.

She rolled her eyes, "That is not the point. Next time you answer your phone. I was calling on behalf of Headmistress Kirova and she was pretty annoyed that you hadn't answered; which means-"

"- I get it, which means she took it out on you, for which I am sorry."

"Pretty much… must have been _some_ date if you refused to pick up your phone." She said winking .

"Ha ha ..amusing…" I said sarcastically "… was that all you wanted to talk to me about?" I asked dryly shaking my head at her. I turned to walk away.

"No, that's not it. Belikov, you really should have picked up your phone." She said a little more seriously.

I stopped, turning my body halfway toward her. "If it makes you feel better, if you call me I'll pick up, even if I am in the middle of dinner… or sleeping… or whenever you call…" I smiled slightly and turned, walking toward the main part of campus.

"She's awake, Dimitri…"

I stopped dead; my breath left my body, my heart muted in my chest. I knew exactly whom Alberta was talking about, but in that moment, everything seemed so surreal and so blurry at the same time.

"She?" I said with downward inflection, simultaneously turning back to Alberta.

She nodded slowly. "She woke up yesterday…just after you left."

"I … how … I mean …" I had a million questions all at once. None of them clear.

"Dr. Olendzki phoned the Headmistress and said that she is awake, she is lucid… she needs time to recover but she is back in her dorm room." Alberta closed the gap between us. "I thought you would want to know …"

The look on my face must have been shock or bewilderment… because Alberta patted me on the shoulder. "I think she is going to be okay". She said turning to walk away from me.

"That's why you called me?" I managed.

She turned back, "Initially that is why I called you, but later I tried to call you to tell you that she was missing… but she was found. So, that's not really important."

My ear bud hummed again, "Guardian Belikov, I need you in my office." Headmistress Kirova bellowed.

"I'm on my way," I returned. I gestured for Alberta to follow me.

"What do you mean she was missing?" I asked as we crossed the lower part of campus.

"We got a call that Mason Ashford had gone to see her and that she was missing. Luckily he went after her."

"What happened?" I asked.

"You'll have to ask Olendzki or Mr. Ashford, I wasn't filled in with any details yet, other than she was found and she was fine." Alberta said following me up the stairs to the main offices.

I knocked on the Headmistresses door and she called for me to come in.

"Oh, good Alberta, you're here too. " Kirova said straightening a few papers and shoving them into her desk.

"Belikov, I just wanted to make sure that you had heard that Rosemarie is awake, " Kirova prompted.

"Yes, I heard" I said looking back to Alberta and nodding.

"Good, I would like for someone to talk to her in a couple of days and let her know that she can come back whenever she is ready but that she won't be training anytime soon. Dr. Olendzki informed me that she should not be doing any strenuous activity for a while, possibly another month even." She huffed. "That girl will graduate from this academy or kill someone in the process… I swear…" She said curtly staring off into the distance.

"I'm sure someone will talk to her as soon as possible," Alberta said quickly.

"Good. .. that is all…for now I guess," Kirova said again staring off.

Alberta and I walked toward the door, but just before the door shut I heard Kirova again.

"Oh, Belikov! Have your phone on at all times… I don't care what you are doing as long as I can contact you when you are needed." She said sternly.

"Okay" I said shutting the door.

I was happy to see that Alberta had left and I was standing alone in the corridor.

I had other things to do now.

I left the faculty building and headed across campus. The students had just gotten out of their classes, so I had to mill through them to get to the Dhampir gym. The door of the gym opened and a few of the senior Dhampir's shuffled out.

"Is Mr. Ashford in the gym still?"

The two boys looked up at me, but as they did they straightened their posture.

"Yeah, er.. I mean yes Guardian Belikov. He is putting mats away" One of the boys said. Being a guardian demanded a level of respect, but sometimes the students seemed like they were afraid of me.

"Thank you," I turned and went inside the gym.

Ashford was just closing the equipment room door when he turned and saw me approaching.

"So, you've heard," he said nodding in my direction. "And I bet Kirova sent you to get the full story from me?" He said moving to sit on the closest bleacher.

_...sure..._

"Yes, I will be talking to Dr. Olendzki as well," he didn't need to know all of the details…

"Well, then you'll hear the same story again… but whatever I guess…" He fished fresh socks out of his gym bag.

"So, Lissa told me that Adrian was there when she woke up, which is how she found out about it. So, about an hour or so after classes I went over to the clinic just to … you know… check up on her." He finished tying his shoes and looked up at me.

"When I got there the bed was empty and for a second I thought …" he looked down at the ground. "Well… anyway, Dr. Olendzki came out of her office and didn't even know that Rose wasn't in her bed. So, I went looking for her. I was pretty much running all over the place-"

"-which was when you ran straight into me …" I said, thinking aloud. The pieces were coming together in my head.

"Oh … heh… sorry I didn't know that was you … I was really just trying to find her." Mason leaned forward, resting his elbows on his lap. Momentarily, he seemed to be lost in thought.

"…and you found her ?" I prompted.

He looked back up at me, "Oh, right … so I had stopped to, you know, catch my breath and a little bit further down the sidewalk I saw her sitting on some stairs, all huddled up. When I got to her she looked really upset and she was freezing, so I took her back to the clinic…" Mason shrugged, "She is so stubborn sometimes it makes me crazy…" He shook his head. "You know she basically pulled her IV's out and took off from what I could tell. You know," he pointed to his wrists, "there was dried blood on her arms and everything…"

I shut my eyes for a second and exhaled. The mental picture of all of this made my heart sink a little.

" She is so impulsive and she doesn't care if she worries people …" Mason eyes looked hurt.

Before Spokane Rose had mentioned she was going to break up with him, but I doubt she had the opportunity to do so. It was obvious to me now that he cared about her much more than she cared about him.

"She is lucky to have you. I think she needs someone who has his feet on the ground…one who is in control of himself…" I said reluctantly. Maybe Mason was the best thing for Rose right now.

Mason stood up, grabbing his bag. "Yeah well… I don't even know anymore… I'm just glad she is going to be okay… " He said as we walked to the door.

"Is that what Dr. Olendzki said?"

"Well, all I know is she is back in her room and she won't be back in classes till next week or so… and even after that she won't be training for a while."

"Right, well, thank you."

"Is that all Kirova needed, because I wanted to go see Rose …?" He asked pushing the gym door open.

"Oh, yes. That's all, for now at least," I said clearing my throat. For a moment there I had forgotten that this wasn't supposed to be a personal mission.

"Alright, later …" Mason said pushing the door the rest of the way open and sidestepping out.

The draft from the door shifted the still gym air, sending a short chill down my neck. Suddenly, reality set in.

All I wanted to do was to see her. I wanted to hold her and tell her that I wouldn't let anything else happen to her. But I couldn't.

_I can't go see her..._

No matter how much I wanted to make sure she was okay, I couldn't let myself go back into old habits. I had Tasha to think about … and work.

I slowly walked back to the faculty dorms. I had no idea how I was going to stay away from Rose, but I knew that I had to. I needed to be that responsible person that I have always prided myself to be. I needed to find my control again.

I had to use every ounce of it that night to keep me from running to her instead.

* * *

**For those of you who hate Dimitri and Tasha, know that you are not alone. This is the same story as my other fanfic, and if you have read that you know that this is essential to the storyline. I hate Dimitri thinking about Tasha as much as the next person, but I would imagine that Dimitri doing the right thing might mean he isn't necessarily happy. **

**Read "No Time to Heal" if you are interested in Rose's POV, or to see where the rest of this story is headed. **

**Thank you to all of the readers, reviewers and people who have me or my stories as a favorite. :] **

**besos**

**rr  
**


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